Coercive Control in Young Relationships
What Parents, Teachers, and Friends Should Look Out For
Coercive control doesn’t always start with violence. It begins with charm, attention, and intensity, but slowly evolves into control, fear, and isolation. For many teenagers, these warning signs go unnoticed until it’s too late.
The stories of Emily Drouet and Chloe Holland show how devastating coercive relationships can be for young people and how crucial it is that adults learn to recognise the signs.
Here are the key red flags to look out for and how to respond if you suspect a child or teen is being controlled.
- Rapid Intensity in a Relationship
At first, the relationship might seem perfect. The abuser showers the victim with compliments and attention, “love bombing.” But things move too quickly. As survivor Kacey Hookey recalls, “I thought I’d met Prince Charming. Within a week we were inseparable.”
When intensity replaces balance, it’s often a sign of emotional manipulation.
- Isolation from Friends and Family
A controlling partner may gradually cut off the victim’s connections; questioning friendships, criticising family, or creating guilt for spending time apart. This isolation makes it harder for victims to reach out or even realise they’re being abused.
In some cases, abusers also monitor messages, demand constant updates, or limit phone use, turning normal communication into surveillance.
- Jealousy and Possessiveness Disguised as “Love”
Abusers often frame jealousy as care. They might say, “I just don’t want anyone else looking at you,” or dictate how their partner should dress. Kacey’s boyfriend tore up her clothes and bit her face in public because he didn’t like her outfit, and no one intervened
- Threats, Emotional Blackmail, or Self-Harm
Coercive partners may threaten to harm themselves, their partner, or others to maintain control. They might say things like, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself.” These manipulative tactics trap victims in fear and guilt.
In Chloe Holland’s case, her abuser told her to take her own life and even handed her a knife
These actions are not “cries for help”, they are coercive, abusive behaviours designed to dominate.
- Emotional and Physical Degradation
Abusers may humiliate their victims in person or online and gradually break down their confidence. They may use gaslighting (“You’re imagining things”) or record assaults to assert power.
For children and teens, humiliation can also take digital forms, exclusion from group chats, public shaming, or message bombardment demanding constant availability
- Fear, Secrecy, and Behavioural Changes
Victims often become withdrawn, anxious, or defensive about their relationships. Parents may notice their once-outgoing child becoming isolated, losing confidence, or showing signs of depression. They may say everything is fine, but their tone, body language, or reluctance to talk tells another story.
- Guilt and Conflicted Loyalties
Children and young adults experiencing coercive control often blame themselves. They may think, “If I just behave better, things will go back to normal.” This self-blame is reinforced by the abuser’s manipulation, making it even harder to leave.
The “Manosphere” and the Normalisation of Misogyny
An alarming factor fuelling coercive attitudes among young men is the rise of the “manosphere”; a network of online communities and influencers that promote misogyny, dominance, and hostility towards women.
Some social media influencers accused of sexual abuse and trafficking have gained enormous traction among boys and young men by glamorising control, aggression, and entitlement. Their messages: that women “belong in the kitchen” and exist to serve men, have become disturbingly mainstream in online spaces.
A University of York study found that nine in ten secondary school teachers and two-thirds of primary teachers want guidance on tackling this rise in online misogyny. Researchers found that many boys are using influencer’s language in classrooms — with some telling girls to “go back to the kitchen” in school corridors.
Professor Harriet Over, who led the study, called the findings “striking”, warning that online misogyny is now shaping behaviour in both primary and secondary schools, and that education about the dangers of the manosphere must start much earlier than previously thought.
The Department for Education has issued some advice for older pupils about incels and online misogyny, but campaigners and teachers alike say it’s not enough. Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson has warned that misogyny is spreading through schools “like a virus” and without early intervention, it risks creating a generation of boys who normalise control, disrespect, and violence in relationships.
What You Can Do
- Start the conversation early. Teach children about respect, consent, and equality from primary school, before toxic ideas take hold.
- Talk about online influence. Ask children who they follow online and discuss why some messages are harmful or manipulative.
- Create trust and openness. Let your child know they can come to you about anything without fear of judgment.
- Notice patterns, not incidents. Coercive control is about ongoing behaviour — not one-off fights.
- Seek support. If you’re worried, contact organisations like NSPCC, Refuge, or EmilyTest for guidance.
- Push for education reform. Support campaigns to make coercive control and online misogyny awareness part of the curriculum in every UK school.
As Sharon Holland says, “Out of this heartbreak of losing my girl, something positive has got to come of this.”
By learning what coercive control looks like and understanding how the online manosphere reinforces it, we can give the next generation something powerful: the ability to recognise abuse before it takes hold, and the confidence to reject it.
Because protecting children from coercive control isn’t just about punishment — it’s about prevention, awareness, and hope.
